“If the doors of perception were cleansed every thing would appear to man as it is, Infinite. For man has closed himself up, till he sees all things thro’ narrow chinks of his cavern.”
I recently woke up with a small, gentle voice whispering the words “doors of perception” in my ear. I do not fear these kinds of, what some might call, supernatural incidents. I worry not; it isn’t a form of insanity, but simply a natural occurrence of my higher-self, or unconscious spirit, speaking to me. These words somehow seemed an answer to a question I was asking, I simply did not remember the exact question. When I woke up I immediately looked up the words online, and found the above quote by William Blake. I had never read this quote before. It was an epiphany.
I have lately, in consciousness, been questioning how to begin my life again. I am at a crossroads, an ending to many years of suffering, and thus an ending to a long and lonely journey through the dark recesses of my mind in which I was imprisoned. How do I start over and become who I was supposed to be before I was interrupted and disturbed on my path as a child? How do I let go of a traumatic past that has destructively changed the very fiber of my being; my physical person, my spiritual person and most importantly, my mind? Once I let go of the past, how do I cope with inevitable dwelling memories of that past? How does one bounce back from a journey through the abyss? Perhaps if I cleanse the doors of perception, I would realize none of it was real, or that none of it had to harm me; my ego dirtied the doors and gave me limits to where I could go and what I could do. Living by my soul will cleanse the doors. Thus the beginning of my journey to find the light (infinity).
I feel the urge to write my story, to purge it from my being, to relay it to others so they know that it is possible to survive and heal from a great deal of trauma in life, and more significantly, it is also possible to prevent, not all, but much of it. I survived a father with family annihilator syndrome. Endless terrible people entered my life after, my fear attracted them, and resulted in childhood bullying, homelessness, slum landlords, hostile coworkers, financial ruin, betrayal by trusted friends and family, heartbreak and a debilitating illness. Yes, I survived monsters. I slayed the demons. I am a superhero, the stuff of legends.
The monster though was my own ego, my false self, that horrid inner voice that told me that I had to fear the world and all the bad people (monsters) in the first place. Had it not been for fear, they would never have mattered, fear gave them life. Bravery, though taking many years, sacrifices, and much pain, defeated them and made them disappear.
Journeying through the dark night of the soul, as it is called, is not exactly common or well-documented, because either people do not undertake this journey, are afraid of being stigmatized when revealing it, or have not survived to tell about it. Yes, sadly, I believe it is more than possible to not survive. But I have taken the journey, I have survived, and I am not afraid to tell about it.
I understand that it is a very solitary path; it is my journey, and mine alone, to walk alone. But that does not mean I cannot share the experience now that I have come back into the physical realm anew, because I believe it is a journey that all human beings must walk, if not during this incarnation, then another. Others can benefit from my experience, by understanding they are not alone.
Although I feel compelled to write, I am distracted with thoughts of making magical recipes, finishing my autumn forest painting, and brushing up on my design skills. I just want to become who I am meant to be, so much time has been lost from over 15 years of illness. I question whether the real healing is through writing my story, or simply replacing the old and false me with the me I am supposed to be. Should I play and have fun and be joyful in my physical being, or should I be in serious contemplation in my spiritual being. I figured out it is both. That is the balance.
So this blog is both my (and my mother’s whom I share it with) everyday joyful living as an eclectic witch and domestic goddess, and my deep contemplation and journey of the awakening process some call “lightworking”. It is epiphanies and spiritual alchemy. It is also recipes, playfulness and magical living. It is my story of healing. It is my observations of tapping into the “source”. It is my life and lifestyle, and a spiritual journey that inspired the lifestyle, that will hopefully inspire you along your journey. It is my experience becoming a “lightworker”, on a harrowing journey from the abyss to bliss…
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